Attachment in Adult Relationships: What Couples Therapists Need to Know
Attachment theory began as an account of how infants bond with caregivers, but its most practical application today may be in the couples therapy room. Adults bring their attachment histories into intimate relationships, and much of the distress couples describe, the pursuing and withdrawing, the arguments about nothing, the loneliness inside a partnership, makes sense when viewed through an attachment lens.
This article explains adult attachment styles, the cycles that trap couples, the contribution of attachment-informed approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, and what this means for practitioners who work with relationships and families.
Attachment styles in adulthood
Building on Bowlby and Ainsworth, researchers such as Hazan and Shaver showed that adult romantic bonds follow recognisable patterns. Securely attached adults can seek closeness and tolerate distance. Anxiously attached adults fear abandonment and monitor the relationship closely. Avoidantly attached adults value self-reliance and become uncomfortable with dependence. A fourth pattern, disorganised or fearful-avoidant attachment, often linked to trauma, combines a longing for closeness with a fear of it. Styles are tendencies rather than fixed types, and they can shift with experience, including the experience of therapy.
The pursue-withdraw cycle
Many distressed couples are caught in a loop. One partner, often more anxious, pursues: raising concerns, seeking reassurance, escalating when unheard. The other, often more avoidant, withdraws: going quiet, minimising, leaving the room. Each partner's strategy triggers the other's fear. The pursuer experiences withdrawal as abandonment; the withdrawer experiences pursuit as attack. Neither is the villain; the cycle is.
Pursuers often feel unimportant, alone and desperate to reconnect.
Withdrawers often feel criticised, inadequate and unable to get anything right.
Underneath both positions are attachment needs: to matter, to be safe, to be accepted.
Attachment-informed couples therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, is the most researched attachment-based couples model. It works by helping partners recognise the cycle as the shared enemy, access the softer emotions beneath anger and distance, and express attachment needs in ways that invite rather than repel. Psychodynamic couple work adds attention to unconscious projections, the way each partner may carry disowned parts of the other, and how early family patterns are re-enacted in the couple. Systemic approaches place the couple within wider family and cultural contexts.
Implications for practitioners
Working with couples is different from working with individuals. The therapist must hold a balanced alliance with two people who may be at odds, manage escalation in the room, stay neutral about outcome while being clear about safety, and assess for domestic abuse, where couples work may be contraindicated. Training in relationship, couples and family therapy covers assessment, contracting, managing conflict, working with affairs and betrayal, and the ethics of confidentiality across partners.
How ICPS College can help
If you work with couples, or wish to, the Professional Diploma in Relationship, Couples & Family Therapy at ICPS College is delivered live online, is CPD-accredited, and is designed for counsellors, psychotherapists, social care and healthcare professionals across Ireland and beyond.
Frequently asked questions
Can attachment styles change in adulthood?
Yes. Attachment patterns are relatively stable but not fixed. Secure relationships, including the therapeutic relationship, and reflective work on one's history can move people towards earned security.
Is couples therapy appropriate where there is domestic abuse?
Generally not while abuse is ongoing. Joint sessions can increase danger for the victim. Practitioners should screen for abuse and coercive control at assessment and refer to specialist services where present.
How long does attachment-based couples therapy take?
It varies. Emotionally Focused Therapy is often described as lasting between eight and twenty sessions, but complex histories, betrayal or trauma may require longer work.
This article is for educational purposes and does not replace clinical supervision, professional training or individual therapy.
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