Attachment in Couples and Families: A Guide for Relationship Therapists
Written by the ICPS College Academic Team · Reviewed by ICPS College faculty · Last reviewed: September 2026
Relationship difficulties are among the most common reasons people seek help. Two frameworks have become particularly influential in understanding them: attachment theory, which explains how people seek closeness and safety, and family systems thinking, which looks at relationships as interconnected wholes rather than collections of individuals.
Attachment in adult relationships
Attachment theory began with John Bowlby's and Mary Ainsworth's work on the bond between infants and caregivers. Later researchers, including Hazan and Shaver, applied the same ideas to adult romantic relationships. Partners, like children, seek a secure base and a safe haven, and they respond strongly when that connection feels threatened.
Secure patterns: comfort with closeness and independence, and trust that a partner will respond.
Anxious patterns: heightened sensitivity to distance, with pursuit and protest when connection feels uncertain.
Avoidant patterns: discomfort with dependence, with withdrawal when emotions run high.
The pursue-withdraw cycle
Many couples become caught in a repeating cycle in which one partner pursues and criticises while the other withdraws or shuts down. Each response makes sense as an attempt to manage attachment fear, yet each intensifies the other. Approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy help couples see the cycle as the shared problem, access the softer emotions beneath anger or withdrawal, and create new, more secure patterns of connection.
Family systems thinking
Systemic approaches view symptoms in context. A child's behaviour, for example, may reflect tensions elsewhere in the family. Key ideas include:
Circular causality: behaviours influence each other in loops rather than simple cause and effect.
Boundaries and subsystems: the balance of closeness and separateness within couples, parents and siblings.
Triangulation: drawing a third person into a conflict between two others.
Differentiation of self, a concept from Murray Bowen: holding one's own position while staying emotionally connected.
Intergenerational patterns: ways of relating passed down through families.
Ethical considerations
Relationship and family work requires careful assessment. Where there is domestic abuse or coercive control, joint sessions can increase risk and are generally not appropriate. Practitioners must also be clear about confidentiality between individual and joint sessions, safeguarding duties towards children, and neutrality when working with more than one client.
Further training
The Professional Diploma in Relationship, Couples & Family Therapy is a live-online programme carrying 60 CPD credits. It integrates attachment theory, systemic thinking and practical relationship interventions, with attention to risk, safeguarding and ethical practice.
Related ICPS College courses
References
Hazan, C. and Shaver, P. (1987) 'Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process', Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), pp. 511–524.
Johnson, S.M. (2019) Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. New York: Guilford Press.
Important information
This article is educational content for practitioners and learners. It is not a substitute for professional advice, counselling or therapy.
If you are struggling or in distress in Ireland, you can call Samaritans free on 116 123 or text HELLO to 50808 at any time. In an emergency, call 112 or 999.
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